My wonderful husband after 8 deployments has been diagnosed with TBI and PTSD. A green beret in the thick of everything over the last 10 years of war. I feel like I am very blessed to have a man who is braving all the stigma of Special Forces and coming out saying yes this is real and it happened to me. That being said, as he fights his battle to recover his life I realized I needed some way to share my feelings and just maybe help some other wife in the process. If anyone never stumbles upon this that is ok too. It will be my therapy. (no worries i have a paid therapist too :)

Everything in our families lives revolves around deployments. Life before the war and life now. It was shocking to me this year to be saying to my children, "remember your dad before the war?" My 12 yr old daughter flat out reminded me she was two when this all began and even my 17 year old said he didn't remember much before the war.

What a different life we lead. When i asked some of my friends what the "war" has meant to them, they honestly talk about the cost on the economy, gas prices, and then admit that it really isn't a thought anymore. I do appreciate honest friends, believe it or not. I think that pretty much sums it up for most Americans who don't have loved ones serving. I will say that i can not describe the love i feel for the older vets who have dedicated their lives to welcoming home the men and women. Their tireless efforts do not go unnoticed.

From the beginning September 11, 2001

The day that changed my world forever. I know we hear that a lot but almost 11 years later are you still feeling the same way you did that day? Do you feel that turn toward God? The compassion to our fellow Americans? Do we have the burning inside to be better people? I really think so long after the fact it unfortunately boils down to incoviences that help most people remember 9-11.

The long lines in the airports, TSA scandles, not being able to park close to gov. buildings, metal detectors everywhere. Basically, our lack of privacy is a daily reminder but we are all getting used to those rights being taken away for the common good. (ok, total sacrasym there)

I was 4 months pregnant that day with our 4th child. I happen to be watching GMA while talking with my mom on the phone. She was also watching GMA. I remember clearly Charlie Gibson talking a breath and saying "did you see that" in their background view was the plane flying into the first tower. When the second tower was hit i knew my life would forever be changed. My husband was one of the elite soldiers.

Sure enough he was put on notice to leave to help in NY in the recovery. He is a trained trauma guy as well and they expected lots of people to be pulled out alive. Sadly, he did not have to leave as there were no bodies being pulled from the rubble.

Our daughter was born 10 weeks early that Dec. and we lived through the NICU. The touch and go on whether her little body would survive. I honestly thought that would be the hardest thing i would endure in my life. Watching your child struggle to live and see the pain. I even prayed the Lord would take her and spare her the pain her condition was causing her. Thankfully, it was an unanswered prayer as Garth Brooks put it. She has Mild Cerebral Palsy but is amazing.

She came home from the hospital the size of a babydoll. She had Oxygen and the monitor attached to her as well as a heart monitor. Did i mention that our 4 year old son is autistic?

Sure enough, the call came for my husband to leave to be part of the first to enter Afganistan. With the new baby, we did not go to the terminal to see him off. We said good bye at the house. Plane delays sent him home. Again we said good bye and again he came home. On the third departure i stepped outside and asked him not to come back if the plane delayed again. I just couldn't do it.

He pulled out of the driveway and a single tear fell. I felt this intense guilt. I cried for myself not for him! What was i going to do? How was i going to get groceries with 4 children under 7 while carrying oxygen tanks, monitors, and my autistic son and my 2 year old? How was i going to do this? Any of this?

Honestly, i don't know if it was shock or just not really understanding what my husbands job was all about. It really didn't occur to me he might die. Infact, I think that didn't really hit until the fatalities started coming in. And with this war the media loved to put their pictures with the names making it all the more real. Once i realized that possibility he may never come home life took a down hill spiral pretty quick. Whenever the fatalities for our unit were reported by CNN, I dreaded the next 48 hours until we found out whose husband it was. Awaiting the dreaded knock on the door was my every hour of every day.

I was 26 and way over my head with a new sick baby and other high maintance kids and did i mention we moved a month after he left so i could supervise the building of our home in another town?

I don't know if it was partly postpardom or what but self pity and sadness just set in like a ton of bricks. So i did what all good mormon ladies do...sat down with a bottle of Wild Turkey and waited for my husband to die. (note the obvious sarcasym. Mormon girls shouldn't drink.)

Believe it or not life is good but it had it's moments. Only so much can be typed in a night. But that was the Home Front in 2002. Not a pretty sight.